ieatorange's Blog

today i came a across phill (i don't know anyone named like that, i just forgot my naming system)
on the bus that takes us to the city, the bus was full so we just looked at each other acknowledging presences.

the thing is he later called me asking if i was okay, because i looked angry at that time.
i thought i didn't randomly frown on public places .-. well... what do i know.

other than that it was a pretty fun day, i only had one class and i can't avoid laughing with the teacher when he makes fun of us.

there's so much i've wanted to say lately, but every time i try i feel i can't word it right, things i have thought, with words, but just cant seem to write down.

and because of that i take long time from post to post, and when it finally comes, it's longer than i'd like it to be.

i'll try to keep thing in order from now on, and spread my thoughts. try telling people i appreciate why i do.

i was delaying this post, mostly because i didn't feel like writing, but i just found a... well, the thing holding the gunpowder that then gets hit by the hammer.
i'll pick a fancy name for it since i don't even know it in spanish.
yolyos, that seems fitting.

well, i found a yolyo while looking for something else, and that made me write this post (finally)

first why i have yolyos laying around, i used to collect those when he went hunting, something that probably started with him not wanting to leave it on the ground.

and well, i just piled them on towers, chew them and finally put on my pocket. I used to put anything on my pocket and never take things out, it was not weird to find orange peelings, small coins, orange peelings and of course, yolyos lost on my pants for weeks.

and since i have memory the same revolver has been used. also by my grandfather so i used to think my father just took it from him whenever he felt like it. turns out they just happen to have the same model.

well lets just jump into narration mode with the full story i got.

the first owner of the gun was, if i recall correctly his grandaunt's groom, who later gave it to his grandfather since they were good friends. his grandfather then took care of his portion of the farm and was by dad's words "lord and devil's ass" i have no idea what he actually meant. but given the time and the size of the farm back then, i assume pretty damn powerful.

however when he got older his children decided it was better that someone else managed the place, my father says he was old, but still able to do what he always did. after the voting was done, a man who was a voter's groom himself was chosen to do the job, given that he was also "starving to death" quite literally according to dad again.

and here is what i think is the most traumatic thing my dad has ever told me about himself.
the newly chosen manager took over way more than they wanted too, the old manager (but still owner) and his wife were forbidden to leave their room. they had to do everything in there, barely attended.

my father and his cousins where simply left behind, no food (well, not allowed, my father says he even started eating more)
and they took their horses. that was the last time my father rode on his, and he has some stories with the horse too.

they did live on the city, in my grandfather and grandmother where not around during this, but it hurt my father so much to loose the place he spent every day he could in.
"if i had known better i would have tried something, but even so, it was the duty of my father and his siblings to protect their father"

at this point the gun passed down to the third owner, the man who took over, and now "stole the gun and ammo from next to the owner's bed" is added to the title.

my father and one of his cousins decided to take the cousin's horse back, since someone from another farm offered to shelter his.
of course, they did but it was shortly taken back, and things did not go well at this point.

the takeoverer was angry at them, real angry, they were disrespectful and thieves, they had to thank him for not getting them in jail at this point, the real owner went to the hallway to confront the man, but he was way too weak to do anything else than to appeal to correctness, which didn't work, he just had to get back on to bed with watery eyes
the teens where sent out of the farm as well.

my father went back to the city and gave the news to his parents. both boiling rage (again, according to him) but along the way they calmed down, "that was quite bad, the right thing was to get there and beat the guilt in" apparently they talked it up and things went back to normal.

except most of the animals were sold and half the trees cut, money the takeoverer kept.

then talking back the event with his cousins my father remembered the revolver and said "you know what? thief that robs a thief has 100 years forgiven. i'm taking it back"

so he did, when the takeoverer was not around he went to his house. the wife was delighted with the visit, even more with my dad congratulating her for the house during the whole trip around it, he failed to find the revolver but he proceeded to have some mate (drink)
and afterwards just a visit to the bathroom looking at the ceiling thinking god damn it, oh... there it is

took it, again with ammo, and done. last and current owner.


sounds incredibly not violent for the story of a revolver. but almost as a bonus anecdote my father told us that the man we spent our time at the far with actually ran him over with a horse and they fought while riding it, you know, just a detail, horse stomps have never been deadly anyway.

by we i mean all, or most of this country at least.
there's some things that i dont think are right for example, for some time i've known me and my sister have had
considered suicide and also "if im going to die, im taking people with me" i was going to sum that up as "rampage" but the about to die part makes kind of an important difference.

also the parenting, i got told a lot by my own father that our family state was not normal nor good
but actually, functional families seem less and less. i cant think of anyone i've heard saying his family is great.

maybe it just takes a little special conditions to raise the kind of people i like.
(okay that's a terrible joke, doesn't look like one either)

i decuded to talk about those two things listening to a friend, quote time!

"if i have cancer, im taking as much people down with me as i can"
my first thought was that he got diagnosed with cancer some months ago (it was proven to be wrong)
but given that, it is clear he gave it a serious thought

for me, this is not morbidity but anger against the surrounding, all of it.

"when i was a kid, i was hyped up about learning to ride a bike for making my father proud,
then i realized he didn't give a fuck"

i don't really feel like writing my idea of that comment right now, i better just leave the quote out there


going back to the title, no, i did not come up with a solution and im not planning on it either, im just saying it's massive stupidity, it feels like "to success at life you need to make money and have a family" is the worst popular choice ever 

starting my last year of school i said "better stop programming for a while or i'll get tired of it"

it was hell of an stupid idea, it was most of what i did to keep myself entertained,
i could make an arkanoid minigame on less than an hour.

my goals where to test and make new things. there are so many options.
i still feel proud of getting that little 3D engine going without any research,

but after the glorious break. i never went back to it.

it's been two years i left that behind. if it didn't get me bored in four years why would it then?

im restarting now, and im not stoping until i make a full game again

overall, i don't like how anything is going.
i don't like how i am right now
i don't like the people around me
i miss the people i actually enjoyed being with
and i feel i wasn't really good at the things i thought i was

which leaves me pretty much nothing.

i know there's people willing to help others look up, but i'm afraid to ask for help
i even paid a therapist by myself, all she did was avoid certain topics and then send me to one of the pills kind
psychiatrist is it?
i don't like the pills ones, but i already paid so i guess i'll go with it
i went to the place and 40 minutes after my hour, he let the patient before me in.

the reason why it's important to note i paid myself is because i feel whoever pays is the good guy. i believe that since the custody fight.

now i don't only see them as sold, they are completely useless, i went in sad and came out sad AND angry


if you read this, i have a question. what powers you through life?
a common answer is, you just go with it. but why?
you fight with today so you can fight with tomorrow?

i don't feel like it.

i miss my friends, i don't know if i ever commented this, but they are really special to me.
i strongly believe the first time i felt truly happy, was with them.

now, by society's master plan, we don't see each other very much
they were pretty much everything that made me enjoy my time
i also liked thinking i was good with numbers, to top it all i failed every single test in the last two months.

i lost the track of what i was ranting about so, good night.

i've talked a lot with my sister lately, mostly because we were both on the doubt about our futures. but the other day she told me she decided to quit her studies (politic sciences) and look for a regular job that gives her time to accomplish  her own goals, i can't be sure to tell what those are,but i support her decision anyway.

my father called me this morning and it went something like this: (i seem to like quotes)
"i cant believe you didn't tell me about your sister!
you are completely banned from this house and family"
"what?"
"you are the man of the house! you are supposed to sustain order around there"
"ok"
"i'm joking, i'm glad she told me and i want both of you to know i will support you in whatever you decide to do.
she told me she was breaking up with *name* quitting studies and looking for a job.
she also said some things about you, you should tell me when you don't feel right too *insult*"

*name* is because this is an anonymous blog
*insult* because i have no idea what the best translation for it would be. it is basically a word used around here a lot, replaces pretty much any other word, i think you can repeat it 4 times in a row and still make sense.
anyway, it's an overused insult, to the point nobody feels insulted by it

it seems i attract weird people. which would be awesome, because i actually like most of them (of course "most" weird implies variety)
there were two unpleasant encounters this week, the first one goes like this:
man: hey, can you help me?
me: i think so, what is it?
man: i'm looking for a place
me: what place?
man: it was something about spain
me: the spanish club? it's that way.
man: no, it was something with psychology
me: there's a clinic about two squares that way
man: DO I LOOK LIKE IM SICK??
at that point i quietly replied "no" and slowly walked away.

that one was kind of interesting, the next one is just awful
i got down the bus in a hurry and almost collided another guy on the sidewalk, i dodged him and looked back to avoid another accident.
woman: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT
since i wasn't sure of what she said, i looked back
woman: YOU LOOK LIKE A CRIMINAL
woman: NOTHING WILL TAKE THE LOOK OUT OF YOU
it appears she didn't want to be looked at so this time i walked away a bit faster

i also found a chinchinero this week. i love those :D sadly i just got to hear the end of the show since he was about one square away (yes, they are loud) but i meet him after the show and gave him the money i was currently  carrying since he lives of it and if it's not enough then there would be none of them (probably the reason there are few)

i wanted someone around me to ask me how i feel, and mean it, not just the formal greeting.
someone did that, offered to listen to me (and also demanded me to explain why so much hate on my family)

one weekend in which people around here was specially screamy i decided to take the offer and the request at the same time.
after an awful amount of writing since the person was not close at the time, i managed to express myself quite more than i ever did to anyone i knew in real life, except for the person that knows about my blogs, but we don't talk about it and i think (hope) he lost the link.

it was weird telling that much to someone who could easily use it against me or tell others that could do that
but it felt great anyway. and yes, i might be a little paranoid.

no, not really, just funny dreams. i don't even drink.
i read today that listening to people complain makes you dumber and also makes you whiny
that explains the current state of this place. and i'm doomed.

back to the funny dreaming, i took extra medicine in my last two dreams. the first one were two pills of who knows what trying to get a heart attack and an aspirin which would make everything be ok.
it felt terrible, still nice to dream something.
the second one was less lethal it was just the thyroid thingy but it was a ton of those

short version: medicine is not my field

turns out i come from a croatian family, nah already knew that, it's just the first time i go to a family meet up.
it was pretty special to say the least. we sang some croatian songs like tamo daleko and we got a letter from a family in california in which they pointed they knew there was part of the family in south america but they always thought it was argentina.
anyway, it was a really good weekend, completely worth going to the jungle called capital, keeping my clothes on since friday and getting lost in the subway.

looking up a little, i might have gotten something wrong so feel free to yell my mistakes just don't yell too hard

i went to the mountains for the 18th, even though i didn't really feel like, but it was good anyway, i played with a throwing knife, we played cards and we had goat for dinner.
doesn't seem i'm such a disappoint as i thought, even when i'm clueless about farm work my family seems to like the idea of an engineer.

in the university we got the teacher everyone feared while in school, shortly, it is waaaay easier to fail when with him, but the good side is that we now work at the electronics lab.

well, nothing much has happened really, that or i forgot the events.

seventh month is here! that means independence holiday. this year the house keeps it's usual people (that includes my stepfather) so i'm going out.
my sister and i are visiting our father (and father related family) for the week.

every time i go there i feel more and more embarrassed, my grandfather seems upset by the fact i'm not used to farm work.
everybody asks when i'm getting a girlfriend, sorry that happened already if you missed it, too bad (seems rather unlikely now (and even then))
my little brother asks me why i don't show up more often

leaving that aside, it's nice to go there.

i've been asked to talk with a classmate about his relationship with the girl who asked me the favor, they are both nice (it's kind of awkward being hugged during chemistry classes/labs by my classmate though)
anyway. she feels ignored and asked me to tell him to pay more attention, what do i have to do here? no idea, only adventurer who took the quest apparently.

i wonder if he would punch me in the face.... it's been a while since i got punched, the glasses are already wired anyway.


it's funny, after writing a little i feel i lost the point, but i don't have any.
i feel like reading flatland, does that count as studying algebra?

we just got the news a friend's grandmother died. we were worried at first because we weren't sure of what happened, we thought her mother had died, i guess you can say loosing your grandmother is not as bad as loosing your mother but that's not important.. or sensitive.

i hate being told i have to give my condolences. i will do when i actually care, which happens to be the first time.

i don't know how to help her, anything i say won't really help the situation, even if it's the way it's done if i don't feel it means something how am i helping at all?

it's not the first time someone dies, it's just the first time i feel i have to support the family.

there are very few times that remind me my disc reader is broken. needing to install a new OS is one of those times. current solution, puppy linux
i'm not sure if there is anything worth blogging really (not that i post anything worth anything)
my thumb was shaking this evening :D not the first time a muscle starts partying but this time it was faster. (see, that was completely useful)

last week i think. i realized how unstable this place is now that it's just me, the little one and our mother. why? well, the little one is 5 (probably getting to 10 but i always talk about 5n)
i spend most of the time in a close city since i study in there
and our mother has a terminal disease (which had her in bad shape last week)

and that's pretty much everything i thought of saying. not really
i never tell everything, not even in a 99.99% anonymous blog

enough writing! time to see the blogs updated lately. nights

i might have been kind of an asshole in there but the balance still shows i lost more. the guy who collects the money in the bus charged me for a full ticket in early july, that doesn't sound that bad really, but a student ticket cost $900 a full one $1700 and it was because he had no change.
okay that's explainable and may not be a problem, but he was really mean and plus i was on the first seats, he could have told me to wait until he collected from the rest. but no, full ticket
in short, he was mean and charged me $800 extra
me vengeance was a bit ridiculous but even if it was also mean from me, i did pay exactly what i had to (900)
i gathered small coins until i reached the price of the ticket with 88 coins of $10 and 4 of $5
i insist, it was also mean from me, but he did not end up without lunch money.
childish, yeah, it happens.
irrational, no, i did not attempt to pay with fish eyes
rancorous, yeah, it happens too.

i also got a nice score in the placement test for english class, i don't have to attend to english 1 and 2.
(i did way worst with the normal communication (that stands for spanish)class by the way)

well, thanks for reading :) hope you enjoyed reading and enjoy your week as well

that old man (with a name i don't remember) my grandmother and father used to take me too, once told me i don't let ideas go, i thought that was a good thing but he said it was not.
back then i thought it was a nice way of solving problems.
but i came to find the problem with it. any idea will stay and grow bigger and bigger.

the point on saying that? i don't feel life is my thing, i understand there is no other thing to choose but i just don't think it's worth it. from the day you were born to around 5 you are "free" then comes studying. at 23-25 you start working and keep doing that until you die or reach 60 (or was it 65?) and stop working to be "free" again with all of your pocket money, yay.

i decided not to "quit" before really tasting the working phase, but my idea of how it's going to be seems accurate


i usually spend some time with the post open to decide if i should post it, but it's been a couple hours now >_<
thanks for reading :D

we went to a meet up in the capital last weekend, it was fun but i don't feel like travelling all that again. i suppose i would still go if b27r wanted to anyway. in the meet up we played a little and ate meat (oh and cupcakes) with b27r a friend from the university, his girlfriend and someone else who just decided to join us.

other than that we've just role played a lot lately since my house was empty. i am currently owner of a pocket golem and i plan to teach him alchemy (stay away from the GM's mind, golems can do alchemy)

even if we all love that game, it is going to end soon, it started as a side-quest because the original GM wanted to sleep and one of the players is going back to the city in which he studies (and we all go back to classes here as well)

another fun thing. i might invade b14j house tomorrow to eat chinese food as we usually did :D

have a good day

joke! >_< i was walking home when i noticed he was playing to kill me with a gun (pium pium) so when i got to the corner i hid and pium'd back (headshot)
that was funny, thankfully his mother thought it was funny as well.
winter break is almost here, i just have to go finish something and deliver it in the workshop

i made my first thread in the machine class, we are not supposed too make those things ourselves in the future
but the teacher says it would be embarrassing to say the least not to know how those machines/tools are used.

someone started talking to me and joined as i walked to a friends house yesterday. it was really weird but it was fun as well.

that is what i remember of this week, but it's actually what happened since last friday.

hmm.. i haven't seen one of my friends in a while now, even when we used to lunch together every saturday .-. there's something to do this week.

hello there, i'm almost done through the first semester, i', having a little break for b05p's birthday. semester has been fun/interesting and i think i got used to most of the people i have classes with. there is one person who i would love to keep seeing in class we don't talk a lot but i simply don't talk a lot.
he even says he missed me every weekend, i don't recall being missed and i don't miss people very often either.
there is people i wish not to ever see and specially work with again, not because they are bad at it sadly.

i was going to say i don't get too much time for writing and posting but i the truth is i don't get too much to write about other than complain i'm tired or i had to "work" with an asshole.

well, back to the birthday. have  nice day!